Delusion, or not delusion?....
Sometimes I wish I could be delusional. It seems so carefree and uninterrupted by the conscious world that is happening. Some people are so delusional...living a life that, for the most part, anyone would seem to think was normal. Work..play..eat...take pictures of "fun" events...etc. And for the most part, I suppose, it is a real life. To that person. But when does delusion become unhealthy? When does the line between dreaming and being harmfully delusional blur?
I myself have always been an enormous dreamer... I remember being a child and playing around the pool, thinking I was a super fireman, putting out fires that were imaginably burning in the banana trees that lined the pool. I remember being a construction specialist, with all the Tonka toys I had, building ditches, tunnels, and car/motorcycle jumps in the dirt underneath all the pine trees we had. I STILL fervently dream about things that could, or would, or may, or even may not happen. But alas, I dream. I personally think it is a great character attribute, and I love having it.
But when does being a "dreamer" become being recklessly delusional? Are the two attached at all?? There are many levels that can be brought in by this conversation. Being a "good person" falls in there very frequently in my version. So what you have to do then, is take into account what IS a good person, and how does dreaming and being delusional overlap that.
For me, I value honest, and understanding friendship. I value respect between human beings. I value honest and caring relationships. I value the truth. I value realness.
I value dreams. I dream of having a Ferrari. I dream of winning the lottery. I dream of having enough money to take care of my parents and loved ones for the rest of our lives. I dream of things like being famous, being in a movie, etc. etc. All fairly normal dreams I would think.
But does being a dreamer mean you have to screw your friends over? Does it mean that you have to fuck people over that have helped you and cared for you? Does being a dreamer mean "what ever it takes", even if it means I will forget everything and everyone, unless they are an essential rung in my personal ladder of dream greatness, and only then I will remember them because i fucked them over to gain that foothold of my ladder?
Does it mean you have to lie about being religious? The main word that comes to mind is "facade". A facade of being a God-fearing individual... a facade of being a trustworthy person... the absolute facade of being what you are, and what you, and everyone else knows, is not you in the slightest. I think at this point this becomes delusion.
And what brings a person to this? Were they born that way? Were there traumatic experiences that brought them this way? Or are they simply carpetbaggers, moving from one life-source to another, until the pinnacle of benefit has been reached. Vampires I suppose, feeding...only to either elongate themselves by the feast of the other person and the transformation of that person into a vampire, or to feed until there is no life left, not even an "undead" one.
It absolutely blows my mind...this delusion. How some people can float along on their own little dribble of a life, oblivious that we are put here for reasons. Oblivious to the overall plan. With not a care in the world who they hurt or use. It seems to be a real drag for all of us who actually try to enjoy our real lives.
Ha. But here I am at early morning writing about delusion. Maybe it is I who am delusional.....delusional for the pure fact of not understanding.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Elton Horace Hatcher; April 12, 1915-August 8, 2009
This week marks one of the hardest times in my life. More are sure to come in my lifetime, but hopefully not for a while. On August 8, 2009, my grandfather Elton Hatcher passed away. He was 94 years old. It gives me and many deep sadness, and we will greatly miss him.
My grandfather was one of the greatest men ever. He first and foremost was a loving husband to my grandmother Ruth for over 67 years! Their love taught me over the 27 years that I enjoyed with him, that pure, loyal, and unwavering true love can exist in this hell of a world we live in. I have doubted it many times over, but they showed me that little light of hope. He was also a father to 4 children. My mother, 2 sisters, and a brother. He loved them all the same. He was also an amazing grandfather to many grandchildren including me, great-grandchildren, and loads of nieces and nephews.
I have said before that I could literally do ANYTHING....however bad...and my grandparents would forgive me and love me even more. My grandparents kind of raised me for several years. All this while my parents were having to work, we would stay with my grandparents every day. Haha...I remember my grandfather used to cook the best breakfast! Everyday...we had homemade breakfast when we got there at 7 in the morning. Everyday at 10, we watched Bob Barker on the Price Is Right. My favorite game was Plinko. We would play outside, he built us these HUGE swings in a large tree out back. We had little motorized 3wheelers that we would ride. At some point there was a nap, and then came the 3 stooges. There was a huge basement that my grandfather built himself! Half inside,carpeted, heated-a/c, etc....the other half outside with tons of tools and saws and stuff. We would build things while my grandfather made tables, pedestals, chairs...all kinds of stuff.
I write this mainly to get it off my chest. I've had a lot of people tell me they are sorry, and I thank them for that. But people get tired of hearing it after a while. But it's something I will never forget.
My grandfather was such an influential person in my life. Other than my own parents, he is the reason I never got into drugs. He is the reason I try not to lie. He is the reason I strive to be a good person and try to find the good in this world. He taught me so many things in my life. He taught me how to mow grass. Haha...If my mom or whoever didn't like the clothes I was wearing, then he would ask me if I liked it. If I liked it, then he said he liked it. That was his attitude about life. Too short to be spent on these trivial instances.
He was a military veteran. He was in the Marines for 4 years..1938-1942 I think. Then joined the Navy in a construction/fight battalion called the SeaBees. It was a brand new thing the Navy had started, and he had construction experience. So he became one of the original Seabees. The military took him to the corners of the world...stationed in Guam in the Pacific War of WWII, in Panama to help build the Panama Canal, Pearl Harbor less than a month after the attack, and also the Aleutian Islands, Alaska, where he began his breathing sickness/problems.
A few stories....
In Alaska, he drove a bulldozer. It was the early 1940's, so none of this enclosed cab or heated cabs or any of that. My Grandfather used to wrap cardboard around the exhaust of the dozer, and then point it at himself in the cab to help keep him warm. Can you imagine? Exhaust blowing in your face just for warmth? No wonder he had breathing problems.
He told me a story about joining the Navy after getting out of the Marines. He was living in Biloxi ( one of the reasons Biloxi and I think the coast/water in general feels so at home for me). he had decided to join the military again. So he went over to New Orleans to sign up. There was this little building with one long hallway. There were 4 tables set up down the hallway: Army, Marines, Air Force, and Navy. He passed up the Army table and talked to the Marines. They would LOVE to have him back! He was excited, but they were going to immediately ship him off to the Pacific faction of the war, for what he and everyone else knew would most likely be a grim outcome. So, luckily for all of us family, he decided to decline. He found out about a construction battalion that was brand new. Mostly construction of airfields, barracks, etc. And only fighting if need be. So off he went to the original 4th NCB Battalion SeaBees.
When he finally got discharged from the Navy, he was in Pearl Harbor and Guam. His breathing problems had advanced. Every morning, my grandfather would walk across the small dirt road to the medics office, and take a shot of straight adrenaline to help him breathe. Everyday! The Doctor jokingly asked him, "What are we gonna do with you, Hatcher!" My grandfather said, "Send me home!" Haha. 2 or 3 days later, he was on a plane with Honorable Discharge to Oakland, California to live out the rest of his life with my grandmother.
He was very very proud of his Military life and his patriotism. There are so many stories that come to the surface of my memory.
He was an amazing person, and I have become heartbroken. I can only be there for my grandmother, who for the first time in 70+ years has to be without him. He lived through the roaring 20's, the Great Depression, World War II, Hitler, Stalin, FDR, Winston Churchill, etc. He lived through the 50's, Elvis, segregation, MLK Jr., the Racial revolution in America, 60's rock, JFK, landing on the moon, Jimi Hendrix and the hippie evolution. Vietnam, the 70's, disco 80's, the birth of his grandchildren starting in '77?, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the 90's, the change of a new millineum, attacks on 9/11, more wars, Saddam Hussein, and even saw the first halfway black President of the United States, and over 9 years into that millineum. He was doing a lot better. He waited until I was back from out of town. And in one single day, actually a half day, after lunch, things turned. Right before he went to sleep, my grandmother asked him if he knew who I was, and he coughed Christopher.
He will continue to live on forever through many, many people. Forever in my looks, on my skin, through my veins, and beating in my heart.
My grandfather was one of the greatest men ever. He first and foremost was a loving husband to my grandmother Ruth for over 67 years! Their love taught me over the 27 years that I enjoyed with him, that pure, loyal, and unwavering true love can exist in this hell of a world we live in. I have doubted it many times over, but they showed me that little light of hope. He was also a father to 4 children. My mother, 2 sisters, and a brother. He loved them all the same. He was also an amazing grandfather to many grandchildren including me, great-grandchildren, and loads of nieces and nephews.
I have said before that I could literally do ANYTHING....however bad...and my grandparents would forgive me and love me even more. My grandparents kind of raised me for several years. All this while my parents were having to work, we would stay with my grandparents every day. Haha...I remember my grandfather used to cook the best breakfast! Everyday...we had homemade breakfast when we got there at 7 in the morning. Everyday at 10, we watched Bob Barker on the Price Is Right. My favorite game was Plinko. We would play outside, he built us these HUGE swings in a large tree out back. We had little motorized 3wheelers that we would ride. At some point there was a nap, and then came the 3 stooges. There was a huge basement that my grandfather built himself! Half inside,carpeted, heated-a/c, etc....the other half outside with tons of tools and saws and stuff. We would build things while my grandfather made tables, pedestals, chairs...all kinds of stuff.
I write this mainly to get it off my chest. I've had a lot of people tell me they are sorry, and I thank them for that. But people get tired of hearing it after a while. But it's something I will never forget.
My grandfather was such an influential person in my life. Other than my own parents, he is the reason I never got into drugs. He is the reason I try not to lie. He is the reason I strive to be a good person and try to find the good in this world. He taught me so many things in my life. He taught me how to mow grass. Haha...If my mom or whoever didn't like the clothes I was wearing, then he would ask me if I liked it. If I liked it, then he said he liked it. That was his attitude about life. Too short to be spent on these trivial instances.
He was a military veteran. He was in the Marines for 4 years..1938-1942 I think. Then joined the Navy in a construction/fight battalion called the SeaBees. It was a brand new thing the Navy had started, and he had construction experience. So he became one of the original Seabees. The military took him to the corners of the world...stationed in Guam in the Pacific War of WWII, in Panama to help build the Panama Canal, Pearl Harbor less than a month after the attack, and also the Aleutian Islands, Alaska, where he began his breathing sickness/problems.
A few stories....
In Alaska, he drove a bulldozer. It was the early 1940's, so none of this enclosed cab or heated cabs or any of that. My Grandfather used to wrap cardboard around the exhaust of the dozer, and then point it at himself in the cab to help keep him warm. Can you imagine? Exhaust blowing in your face just for warmth? No wonder he had breathing problems.
He told me a story about joining the Navy after getting out of the Marines. He was living in Biloxi ( one of the reasons Biloxi and I think the coast/water in general feels so at home for me). he had decided to join the military again. So he went over to New Orleans to sign up. There was this little building with one long hallway. There were 4 tables set up down the hallway: Army, Marines, Air Force, and Navy. He passed up the Army table and talked to the Marines. They would LOVE to have him back! He was excited, but they were going to immediately ship him off to the Pacific faction of the war, for what he and everyone else knew would most likely be a grim outcome. So, luckily for all of us family, he decided to decline. He found out about a construction battalion that was brand new. Mostly construction of airfields, barracks, etc. And only fighting if need be. So off he went to the original 4th NCB Battalion SeaBees.
When he finally got discharged from the Navy, he was in Pearl Harbor and Guam. His breathing problems had advanced. Every morning, my grandfather would walk across the small dirt road to the medics office, and take a shot of straight adrenaline to help him breathe. Everyday! The Doctor jokingly asked him, "What are we gonna do with you, Hatcher!" My grandfather said, "Send me home!" Haha. 2 or 3 days later, he was on a plane with Honorable Discharge to Oakland, California to live out the rest of his life with my grandmother.
He was very very proud of his Military life and his patriotism. There are so many stories that come to the surface of my memory.
He was an amazing person, and I have become heartbroken. I can only be there for my grandmother, who for the first time in 70+ years has to be without him. He lived through the roaring 20's, the Great Depression, World War II, Hitler, Stalin, FDR, Winston Churchill, etc. He lived through the 50's, Elvis, segregation, MLK Jr., the Racial revolution in America, 60's rock, JFK, landing on the moon, Jimi Hendrix and the hippie evolution. Vietnam, the 70's, disco 80's, the birth of his grandchildren starting in '77?, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the 90's, the change of a new millineum, attacks on 9/11, more wars, Saddam Hussein, and even saw the first halfway black President of the United States, and over 9 years into that millineum. He was doing a lot better. He waited until I was back from out of town. And in one single day, actually a half day, after lunch, things turned. Right before he went to sleep, my grandmother asked him if he knew who I was, and he coughed Christopher.
He will continue to live on forever through many, many people. Forever in my looks, on my skin, through my veins, and beating in my heart.
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